I mentioned in a previous post that I’ve thought several times about naming my posts after the song lyric that’s most in my head right now. This song (Sanctuary by Welshly Arms) has become one of our favorites when I’m singing to the kids late at night. We’ve really struggled to feel like we’ve got a home in recent years… but there’s a change in the wind.
This is a bit longer of a post than I usually make, so grab a bevvy and settle in. <3 I’ll try to put it in chunks, so it’s easy to skim, or come back to if you need to step a way a sec.
We survived that hairy paycheck last month, and now we’re caught up. Fully… finally. We’re really, really hoping to be out of this hotel by the end of the month… it’s wearing on all of us. And if I was to tell you half of what’s happened in this hotel, you’d think I was telling stories.
We debated about whether to stay in this area, or move on after a year or two.
As mentioned, I have heat intolerance, and a few other things that are causing concerns health-wise, and I have some frustrations about a few other things in this state.
But back in 2020, there was a priest in California who was asked whether he planned to flee the area. He responded that his family has been in L.A. for several generations… this is where his family lives, this is where his family is buried, this is where parishioners that he’s baptized/married/buried are. And he said, emphatically, that he wasn’t going anywhere.
I’ve got a lot of respect for that, and I want that feeling… but I’m not attached to anywhere. Where I grew up changed so much while I was in the military, that I hardly recognize it as the place of my childhood… if I’d been there the whole time, the change would be been gradual and less noticeable. But as it was, the contrast was stark. It’s also where an abusive ex resides, and that’s caused it’s own issues.
My husband grew up in 3 different areas, due to parental separation, but if he was attached to an area, it would be Georgia. He grew up spending summers with a grandfather who lived near Vidalia, and he has fond memories of going treasure hunting and flea market picking with him.
The fact is, I love this part of the South. I love Spanish moss, and wisteria, and magnolias. I love trumpet vines, and the smell of gardenias in the summer. I love thunderstorms, and fireflies. And for where we are right now… I love that we’re a short drive from both the Blue Ridge Mountains, and the beach.
This leads to the other major identity crisis I had…
I turned 38 last month. Yes, I know that’s still quite young… and I’m really not afraid to turn 40… I’m rather looking forward to it. I view it as the next level-up. When everyone else was panicking about turning 30, I was declaring that I would be taken more seriously in my 30s, than I was in my 20s… and I have been. 40 is the next step up.
My birthday arriving just reminded me that I still haven’t figured out what I want to be when I grow up. There’s so many things I could be, and could do. Every day I play this mental game of… do I want to be a fiber artist? A 3d modeler? A fitness instructor? Technical analyst for the FBI?
But to complicate matters… for ever brilliant idea, I have an equally well thought reason on why it’s a terrible idea.
Fiber artist - well, right now, I only crochet, so I’d have to decide if I want to stick with that, or if I want to pick up another skill… weaving, embroidery, knitting… and if I do, I need to get good enough that I can monetize that skill. And since, right now, we’re stuck in a hotel, the odds of me having money to put towards supplies… not high.
3D modeler - sure my degree is in it, but the last year of my degree was in 2020, so not my best grades, and that’s reflected in my portfolio… and now, because I’m not a student, I don’t have access to the software I trained in, which means I have to use a different software, which means I have to learn it, and all this before I can even start putting in the hours to improve my portfolio.
Fitness instructor - I was one in the military, but since then I had several potato-sack bebes, who I love dearly… but combined with the collagen disorder that I didn’t know I had… muh belly has been put through the ringer. Hello, diastasis recti. So I’ve got a program I can try out, when I’m in a house, and have funds… but I need to try it, and see if it’ll repair the DR, and then I can try to lose the extra fluff… and THEN I could look at being an instructor.
Technical analyst - okay, I have none of the skills, but I did find a really cool cyber forensics degree that would put me in the zone… but what if I was really, really good, and in demand, and it put my family in danger? Okay yes, that one’s much less likely, and perhaps not as well thought out… but anxiety doesn’t care about these things.
And this is just a handful of the conversations I’ve had with myself about this. So I braindumped in one of my sketchpads, and drummed up the things I’ve been paid for, the things I’ve trained in, the things I have classes in (that I’ve started but not completed yet lol), and the things I have books about.
I didn’t seem to have any highlighters with me, so I borrowed some of my kid’s crayons lol.
Green - Digital, techy services
Pink - Digital artistic stuff
Blue - Physical artistic stuff
Purple - Services that don’t have any particular connection to anything else
Purple things probably won’t happen, because they’re so disconnected from everything else.
Singing/piano/harmonica will probably just happen because I want to them to. I’ve been singing my whole life, but never really formally trained, and I’d love to see what my voice is capable of, but I doubt it would be a monetizable thing lol. And piano/harmonica will be a bit, because the thing I’d most like to learn to play right now is violin (and yes, I already own one… I just can’t play it yet ha!)
Voice acting, if it happens, it’ll be because it’s a good tie-in with 3d modeling. Interior design will probably just be a hobby. And personal training, we’ll see how my diastasis repair goes.
Right now, blue stuff isn’t happening at all, outside of me casually doing some crochet work for myself and friends, and me doing some casual sketching here and there.
Most of the green is probably not going to continue to be a thing. I’d really like to revisit coaching sometime, because anything I learn, I want to pass along to others… so coaching or teaching will probably re-surface, but right now I’m not skilled enough at anything to teach or coach it.
There may be a balance struck in the future…
Sifting this into the buckets or categories definitely helped draw my eye to some common themes. Husband also reminded me that one thing we've talked about several times, is getting our money into a position where he can work from home.
Once that happens, he’d like to start a forge, and get good at blacksmithing (he’s dabbled a bit here and there), and then we’d like to split our time between road and home... when we're home we’d eat hyper-healthy, and make tangible items to sell in fairs and festivals. When we're on the road, we’d feel free to enjoy restaurants we discover along the way, or try fair food, or whatever... and use that time for making digital art.
For now, I’m going to continue playing with illustration, and see if I can build up a repository of little creations that I can turn into stickers or pins, and maybe combine into patterns to put on fabric for Spoonflower or something. We’ll see. I think some clarity will come when we’re in a home of our own, and I can try my hand at whatever strikes my fancy, with fewer limitations.
Alright, that’s it… thanks for sticking with me for this whole wild ride of an update. How’s it going in your world? Is it cooling down? (Or heating up, for those of you in Southern Hemispheres?)
Best,
PS - How was this? Too long? Too short? Just right?
PPS - I may have mentioned previously, on here, or social media, my possible intention to start another Substack, on this account, about my faith journey. I’m thinking that it’s much too different from my conversations here, so I’ll probably make it a whole separate beastie… wish me luck, lol.
I recently read My What If Year which is one woman's story of taking a year off from her business to do self-created internships at a variety of jobs she thought she might like - fitness instructor was one which is why I thought of that when reading this but also backstage on Broadway, hospitality at a resort ... and ultimately it helped her learn some things about herself and make an unexpected choice moving forward. Of course, we don't all have the privilege of that but it's an interesting idea that I wonder how we could apply to different aspects of our own lives. <3